10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I’ve had worse
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Baller is short for ballerina
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.