10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.