10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

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I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.


am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise


SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork


I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.


me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak


I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.


The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.


People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”


Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!


using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.