Just a bush.
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“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
You learn something every day
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
For the baby who has everything
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.