10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!馃槒
You Might Also Like
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
If I knew I鈥檇 have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
just found out that some people don鈥檛 double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
If you don鈥檛 like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you鈥ell, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn鈥檛 left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Alexa; make it look like an accident