10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise