10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
You Might Also Like
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”