10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
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“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Finally!
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Remember folks 😂
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”