10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
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They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
meanwhile over on facebook
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*