Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Truth
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.