[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
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Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Genius idea!!
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”