This will teach them to underestimate me
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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me: who’s ur favorite actor
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake