@dadmann_walking

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

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@DanMentos

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

@Sarcasmo718

I’ll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?

@Carbosly

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

@JulieSnark

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

@hamspamtymaam

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

@weinerdog4life

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

@momtransparent1

When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”

Kids.

@mostlysharks

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake