@Lisabug74

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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10. He is a cat.

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@MountainDouche

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.

@Tharin_P

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

@TFLN

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

@HatfieldAnne

Shouting “wahoo” instead of “woo-hoo” so everyone in this bar knows that I’m into fun AND sport fishing.

@DBStoner

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

@KPsych29

Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

@TuSoonShakur

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

@sandjoeman

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

@SteveSuckington

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape