“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.


The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days


Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor


Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.


Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”


Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.


Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.


I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.


The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong


Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep