@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

You Might Also Like

@thejamietighe

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

@Donnie_Fairburn

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

@mean_spice

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

@scott_towel

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

@nicky_prada

Doctor: “Are you sexually active?”

Me: “I’m not even physically active”

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

@girl_a_whirl

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

@occupied_stall

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@lolajxx

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep