“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.