“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
When your man makes a valid point
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please