10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later