Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.
Mine is my back scratcher.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.
“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
When your cat is giving you the silent treatment
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel