The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
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Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.