[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
You Might Also Like
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Make new friends? bro out of what?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Your honor these allegations are
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.