10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity