If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
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Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs