If I say “I don’t know, let me look”, I’m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you’re on hold.
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Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
ok you’re a superhero but your powers only activate when the bottom of your socks get wet
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*