Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.