@dmedelstein

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

You Might Also Like

@titanmoon10

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

@MrsJekyllsHyde

I wasn’t mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I’m mad.

@ddsmidt

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

@blainecapatch

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

@notalogin

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

@Sickayduh

In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say “I’m Shia LaBeouf”

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

@jamdugg

Her: We should do something fun for our 15th anniversary

Me: I want to jump out of a plane

Her: Go skydiving?

Me: No

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.