10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

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I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”


I wasn’t mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I’m mad.


I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.


and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”


On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.


In his defense, everyone sounds drunk when they say “I’m Shia LaBeouf”


Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey


Her: We should do something fun for our 15th anniversary

Me: I want to jump out of a plane

Her: Go skydiving?

Me: No


Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.