10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”