10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
You Might Also Like
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you