10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I love twitter
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink