@OrvllShrednbchr

10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.

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@anniealone23

A message for my stalker:

I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning

@Rachelnoise

They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

@shegotagronk

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

@xforcades2

you ever been stalking someone on insta and you see a pic that you’ve liked and have that “omg did i do that just now or a while ago” moment

@UnFitz

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

@wolfpupy

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

@TheToddWilliams

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

@JasonCarney31

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

@artsofdrawing

*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”