A message for my stalker:
I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
you ever been stalking someone on insta and you see a pic that you’ve liked and have that “omg did i do that just now or a while ago” moment
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”