10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
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Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
figuring out my emotional availability:
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
me linking you to my twitter
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”