@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

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@CooperLawrence

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

@skankymunter

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

@WhatsHerFace33

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

@mack44_d

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

@iGreenMonk

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.

At least that’s one thing she has in common with my wife.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

@sonictyrant

Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that’s dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy