10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.


You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.


If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁


“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”


Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’


My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.

At least that’s one thing she has in common with my wife.


ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy



Cop: my dog sniffed out this bag from your car

Me: that’s dope

Cop: Right? Super good boy