@usermcuserface

10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.

You Might Also Like

@YUCKYBOT

The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.

@GeorgeTakei

Marriage equality AND marijuana laws passed? Now we know what Leviticus really meant by “A man who layeth with another man must be stoned.”

@cravin4

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

@Popehat

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

@gavinpivott

“I put my gear back in fourth.” – Willow Smith learning to drive, maybe.

@thepaulahunt

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

@dougbies

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@VisionBored1

Son: Can I have some?

Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.