“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.