10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Who.
Did.
This?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?