100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
mumsnet is amazing
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”