@danjan13

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

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@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@FlyJ_

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

@daplusk

“AAAAHH EARTHQUAKE!
Oh good, now it is snowing”

– If I lived in a snow globe.

@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@KyleMcDowell86

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

@recoveringbapti

The word “Diputseromneve” may look ridiculous, but backward it’s even more stupid…

@LurkAtHomeMom

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

@pilau

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

@BobTheSuit

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.