100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.