100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.