100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

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CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d


“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”


Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.



Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.


1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”


Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.


Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle


Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)


“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever


Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks


TRUMP: To make America grate again