Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Batman: you absolute fool
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I support this random dude and all his protests
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.