100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
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Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here