100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

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Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot


Batman: you absolute fool


Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.


(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.


[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.


My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.


Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.


Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.