@Just_A_Kenyan

100 Ways to contact me;
1. Call me.

2. Tweet me.

3. Txt me….

95.Drums and smoke signals

100.Facebook

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

@weinerdog4life

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@Los01001111

I put another shrimp on the barbie and now Ken is all pissed off.

@cbdoubleu

Who called it Orion’s Belt instead of a waist of space?

@DosieDoe

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

@kumailn

If Billy Joel wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire” today, it would be 2 hours.

@Brianhopecomedy

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

@lawking30

Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, “drop-off done” & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.