@Frankie_Val

100 ways to reach me: 1.) Text Me. 2.) Call Me. 2.) E-Mail. 3.) FB …. 98.) Homing Pigeon. 99.) Signal Flares. 100.) Voice Mail

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@Token_Geezer

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…

@juliussharpe

“The Great Gatsby” is an awesome book about a rich guy who can’t get laid.

@charliedelta7

I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@CeruleanGates

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

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@dreamsinchocola

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

@Ygrene

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)