News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
lmfao
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for