Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
You Might Also Like
The Joker was right
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards