(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
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I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”