@Jenny4ashley

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

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@Mom_Overboard

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

@coffeeandvinyl1

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

@ddsmidt

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

@SJSchauer

*first date*

Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money

Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body

@JohnLyonTweets

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

@MikeDrucker

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

@weinerdog4life

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

@squirrel74wkgn

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.