1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
all bases covered
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Well, that should do it
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful