[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
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[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning