@Boba_Photo

$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.

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@dubiousgenius

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

@rogueMUGA

What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings

@annoyingyang_

Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.

@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

@MooseAllain

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

@PaulyPeligroso

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

@grimpossible

“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”

@OllyiConic

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

@jake_lach

When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping