@Boba_Photo

$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.

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@moneebthinks

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

@BlindChow

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

@lucky_300

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

@freefanaddict

Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people. You’re not the jackass whisperer.

@sixfootcandy

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

@Nindoonjibaa

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

@Unathi_

That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh