Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.
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ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people. You’re not the jackass whisperer.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.