Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.
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cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.
What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings
Loan debt forgiveness is a state of mind.
I forgave myself for borrowing that much, and I am now healed. I hope my loan servicers stop living in the past.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we’re giving you up for adoption.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping