Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
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Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did