@Manda_like_wine

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

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@Kyle_Lippert

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

@_mindflakes

“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”

@DanMentos

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

@sween

In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.

@MrAlexisPereira

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

@boburnham

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

@ehchinoo

Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins

@ddsmidt

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

@garrydavenport

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.