1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.


“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”


*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*


In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.


Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.


Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!


Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins


…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.


The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.