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My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.