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Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”