Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
You Might Also Like
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Steam Forums
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”