*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
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On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Breaking news:
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me