The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
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Brands during Pride
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
#CoronaOutbreak
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
“No way.” -Jose
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.