[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
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Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
This might be the funniest tweet ever
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.