You Might Also Like

@murrman5

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

@pleatedjeans

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

@GeorgeResch

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

@animaldrumss

Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults

@MarfSalvador

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

@DanMentos

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

@Porcelain_Jesus

I’m not like other girls. I’ll steal your kidney and leave you in a tub full of mashed potatoes.

@DaddyJew

[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?