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coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what


I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies


White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it


Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what


I’m not like other girls. I’ll steal your kidney and leave you in a tub full of mashed potatoes.


[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location


ME: have you seen my briefcase?

HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk

ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?