[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
the three branches of government
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
#oldknees