coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Publisher: Mike we can’t accept your children’s book. It’s far too stupid for even the stupidest child.
me: It was supposed to be for adults
how can i suffer but with music
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I’m not like other girls. I’ll steal your kidney and leave you in a tub full of mashed potatoes.
Gf: I have 30min
Me: you thinking what im thinking?
Gf: oh yea *starts undressing
Me: *googles closest laser tag location
ME: have you seen my briefcase?
HIM: I found it and turned it into the front desk
ME: dammit man how am I gonna carry that home now?