Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.
“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her
Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital
Dr: that’s where the morgue is
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy