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@FrazzleMyGimp

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

@RBColl

FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.

“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”

@SaraBWarf

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

@psybermonkey

Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is

@Jarhead44

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it

@zorgod

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

@markpopham

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

@heyevergreen

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy