Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My five year plan is a meteorite
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I wanna be friends with this person
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”