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@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@MomofTeen

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

@Storminika

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

@jjhartinger

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

@AbbieEvansXO

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

@mindintheshadow

I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.

@HatTheButcher

Bad day at the hadron collider. Steven left his food in the machine and we accidently made a breakfast dimension. The life forms there are suffering greatly.

@dumbbeezie

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

@WheelTod

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

@tomwalkerisgood

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds