Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..
My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Meth, because teeth are annoying.
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
[Sitting on park bench with 3 loaves of bread, surrounded by ducks]
Stranger: You really shouldn’t feed them bread
Me: Oh it’s not for them *eats another loaf*
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.