You Might Also Like

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

@MelvinofYork

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

@alwayzintruble

My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

@SlothSlouch

My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems

@TheBoydP

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@stinky_blinders

[Sitting on park bench with 3 loaves of bread, surrounded by ducks]

Stranger: You really shouldn’t feed them bread

Me: Oh it’s not for them *eats another loaf*

@ImLeslieChow

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.